I’m writing a story! Chapter 2

Poetry

Read the first part here – Part 1


CHAPTER 2

5 o’ clock rolls around and my keys start to jingle as I run to my front door; escaping the rain that now began to pick up from a ‘light shower’ to the ‘drowned rat’ phase. I wipe my feet on my wired doormat that has the word ‘hello’ written in cursive writing – it sits boldly against the copper stained wiring.

There isn’t much to report on as far as my work day, pretty much the same old. My colleague besties Dan and Em we’re having a bit of flanter if my eye saw correctly. Oh, ‘flanter’ means flirty banter apparently. Yeah, that’s a thing now, I’m probably a bit too far gone to be saying such lingo at the grand age of 24. However, there was kind of no other word for it? It was the look they were giving each other as we started to unload a delivery of terracotta pots. We formed a line, a standard working line – the whole pass it on and perfect Chinese whispers scenario. I was being passed pots from the delivery guy – who might I just add, was flinging the pots at me from a great height and fairly fast off the van… terracotta pots are heavy! I drew the short straw standing next to him.

Once I had managed to capture and secure the pot before gravity took over. It was my turn to pass it on to Dan. You know when you just know something is going on. Occasionally I could hear little giggles from Em, and Dan would keep turning back to me smiling from their last exchange.

Insults flew back and forth but followed by momentary pauses of huge grins, nudging each other and giggles. It was quite cute actually, plus they’re younger so they get away with it. Is it the same if we do that in our mid-twenties? I can’t help but cringe at the thought of picturing myself in the same scenario.. but then I’m not one for romance anyway. Something could definitely become a thing between those two flanterous souls! I will keep you updated on that front.

I make my way upstairs, take off my uniform and hang it over the wooden end of my bed. I don’t have this ‘chair’ that everyone talks about. I’m lucky I can just fit a wardrobe in here. I put on an oversized top with a cat on, the graphic is slightly worn away due to the number of times it’s been washed, cried on, slept in, lived in. So what once looked like a cute kitten, now looks like an old stuffed toy a dog has had in its mouth.. the tail is hanging on by a thread and it’s missing an eye. Next, I put on my new Winnie the Pooh bottoms, they’re a brushed cotton so they’re extra cosy. Anything new from Primark you can strut about snug and smug in. It’s comfort at a bargain! I chuck on some fuzzy socks from about 5 years ago and head downstairs.

I get 2 steps down the creaky staircase before my body realises the time and starts to let me know it’s hungry. “Crap!” I muttered, plodding and tutting my way down the stairs, eye-rolling at myself. I forgot the fajita mix – of course, I did, I planned to have that meal yesterday and I’ve slept since then. So yes; I forgot. Never mind I can still have wraps, they just won’t have that smoky spicy kick that I crave every week.

Wraps for tea is a firm favourite in my little 2 up 2 down. It takes me back to my days as an 8-year-old at Margate Seafront – making my way up sand hills that appeared every autumn and disappeared every spring. Sandy toes often followed by sandy knickers as I fall over and roll down them mysterious piles. Mum and dad were never impressed; neither was I, finding sand in the oddest places and having to sweep the bed down as it became just as sandy as the shores. But at the end of the week on a school night, we’d always have wraps for tea! Well, that’s if we had the stuff in – if we didn’t we’d opt for the ever famous Fish n Chip Friday – Much to dad’s disapproval who had to stand in the queue halfway down the street as the whole village wanted in and waved the flag for Fish and Chip Friday! Totally worth it though.

The aroma of fried onions begins to fill my humble abode; next, the peppers and now my tummy really starts to gurgle. I prepare the wraps and set out the table. I fill and fold as I’ve always done and am appreciative of this meal.

Out of nowhere a ‘ding dong’ makes itself present, the doorbell. ‘What!?’ I exclaim with a mouthful of homemade perfection. My eyes widen. I am not expecting anybody? Was I? No. No, I definitely wasn’t. I prepare myself and swallow that mouthful that was definitely not chewed enough but I didn’t have time; so I’ll have to deal with the painful lump in my throat now. I make my way down the claustrophobic hallway to the front door, eerily trying to work out the pink silhouette that blocked out the only light in this part of the house. It’s like a horror film in my head! If this is the way I’m supposed to go, well, at least it will be in comfort – I can’t say much for style though.

I take two more steps before I hear a muted tutting and a whispered, thinking out loud moment – ‘Where is she, come on Dais!’. I sigh a breath of relief, smile and pick up the pace to the door, opening it with the biggest smile and welcoming arms.

“Mum! You scared me, what you doing here?” I say telling her off.

“Oh sorry love, Jackie said she saw you at work today and you looked a bit lonely so I thought I’d come to see my baby – thanks for the welcome though”

Mum had an odd tone about her, she had a voice that carried for miles yet her words were direct and straight to the point. A squeaky voice, but a pleasant one – the voice of a sweet grandma now. I can’t say I can remember her voice always being this way, maybe it’s changed over the years but it was the voice that made everything bad go away – regardless of the circumstance or tone.

Mum is still stood in the rain as I gaze at her in disbelief that she’s just waltzed up to my doorway on a Tuesday evening. I’m grateful, eternally grateful that she’s here – the evening just got a whole lot better.

“Oh, I’m sorry – come in come in! I just wasn’t expecting you that’s all, I’m having tea at the minute but there might some mix left if you want some?”

She comes in and wipes her feet on the mat looking at me in awe that I’m an adult living independently and thriving. I can tell she’s emotional and filled with pride – she’s the same way every time she visits this little house.

“Oo you ‘avin wraps?” She says sniffing the air and pulling the face we all do when we smell fried onions in the air.

“Smell them from a mile away can’t you?” I giggle.

“Can’t beat a wrap, love – I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intru..” “No! Don’t be silly” I interrupt.

We make our way into the kitchen and take a seat. From there the conversation flows and she fills me in on all the gossip I’ve missed. You know for someone in her late 50’s, she’s still heavily invested in the dramas of the village. She always was nosy though – but I don’t mind. It’s something that keeps her going.

“And you know Bill, babe?” She continues…

“Builder Bill?” I confirm.

She nods – “he had a heart attack last Wednesday” I look her in shock as she carries on “yeah I know, didn’t see that one coming, he’s been in hospital for the last 4 days, I’ve been meeting with Trace though, making sure she’s alright bless her heart, she’s been in bits” she says looking down and shaking her head.

Bill the Builder aka Builder Bill, was around the same age as mum. When we lived in the village as children he came round and built the wendy house for me and my brother. He stayed in touch with the family and we went out for a Sunday lunch down The George with them once. A nice couple – but very cheeky and I was far too young to understand the jokes they were making that flew over my head.

“That’s scary” I say looking worried at mum.

“I know” she pauses “smoker though int he, Trace said he’s been struggling the last few years but he won’t be told, typical fella”. Mum had a way with words, it’s not that she didn’t like men, she was just very sure that they were all the same. The whole ‘Men are from Mars and women are from Venus’ is something she strongly agrees with.

There’s silence for a moment and I’m suddenly very aware that I’m eating. Mum cannot stand the sound of people chewing, and I can’t stand the sound of my chewing in front of people. She looks at me and just stares with a smile on her face like she’s about to say something emotional, movie-like and sentimental. I catch her eyes and am transfixed to stare back. “What?” I say, in a moody teenage fashion, because I know she’s going to get soppy.

“I’m so proud of you, you know Dais” she says tilting her head to the side and making her eyebrows form to a weird shape, it’s like she’s going to cry but also that she’s just seen a really cute kitten.

I look down placing the last quarter of my wrap on the plate, I smile whilst finishing the last of the bite – grab her hands across the table and thank her. We have this moment about twice a year and it’s nice. It’s a reminder that I’m doing right by her, I’m making her proud and that everything will be alright for me. As cringy as I find the moment. It’s something I look back on and cherish – it’s the sign that I’m going to be okay. Admittedly these moments are getting more and more emotional as we both realise in each other’s eyes that one day we won’t have a moment like this anymore.

If there’s one thing that moving away and becoming this grown-up has taught me. It’s that time doesn’t wait for anyone. It’s brutal and it will eventually win. We’re just in a long line waiting for our time to come. It’s the hardest pill to swallow knowing that your parents are further in the queue than you – and at some point, you will watch them take their place as 1st; accepting fate whilst you stand back from the sidelines with nothing you can do.

“I love you” I say to her trying my hardest to stop the little droplets form in the corner of my eyes. My lips tremble but mum doesn’t make a scene of it, she just smiles and says it back, tapping the back of my hand before pulling away.

“When are you gonna get a new top? You won’t get a boyfriend with that thing. Doesn’t exactly scream sex goddess does it?” She breaks the emotional scene with her classic screeching ways. My mouth drops to a half laugh half offended face “MUM! I happen to think it’s stunning, and any fella would be lucky to get their hands on this gal!” I say with sarcastic confidence strutting and shaking my bum around the kitchen.

We both giggle and mum starts helping herself to a wrap. “What film you putting on for us then?” she asks with a cheeky smirk, insinuating that we’re having a girlie night in. I smile and run to set up the TV and scour the selection I pay monthly for. This evening is going to be fab.


 

Thank you for reading, what do you think? Maybe I’ll keep writing this story and end up with a short little book! That would be exciting!

I have no idea what’s going to happen in this story I’m making it up as I go, I appreciate that isn’t ideal but we will see what happens!

Speak soon friends,

Kara xo

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I’m writing a story! Chapter 1

Poetry

Disclaimer: I’ve never published a large chunk of writing like this before – only my poems. Don’t take it too seriously, also, I used to get lots of comments from my English teachers about having a weird sense of punctuation, they said I didn’t use it right but that it wasn’t a bad thing either and was a bit charming but confusing. So I’m sorry if it throws you off, I’ve tried to make it alright but I just write as I think/speak in my head! Okay enjoy xxx

A short Monday morning write by Kara (that’s me) – this is the title btw I don’t have one!


CHAPTER 1

A dreary start to the ever-charming weekend. Luckily I’m only in on a 12-5, the perks of being in a local business. Although I have to say, the reality of lovely hours turns to a struggle to pay the bills, and that doesn’t half hit hard that last Sunday of the month.

It’s the 3rd of September and the wind starts to turn to a bitter edge with the slight hint of damp sitting in the air. The smell of rain is not for everyone, but it’s a comforting scent and reminds me of better days. Last autumn I decided to splash out on a coat I’d seen in Grazia magazine, some B-List celeb was wearing it and I thought it looked like something off a runway. Turns out it was from Matalan for £49; which I thought was fairly reasonable. It’s a boyfriend style, long coat with a tailored front, an extended version of a blazer I suppose in a charcoal grey, with a grid patterned outline all over; the material makes me itch slightly at the wrists and neck though, just where the polyester lining inside finishes. It’s served me well and I receive many a compliment so it was well worth the money. Although the stitching on the right pocket has decided to fray despite me only using it to store tissues and bus tickets in. But I’ll look past it for the fact I definitely look like I’m currently studying a fashion degree, at a quirky university nobody has heard of.

I fix up my morning brew, a homemade latte with a dash of hazelnut syrup – just like they make in the fancy overpriced coffee shops. I mean the milk isn’t frothy, I don’t have a frother thing, but that’s enough for me. The few first delicate sips are the ones that mean the most, I know the water is hotter than the sun but somehow I think that the little slurps are enough for the scalding water to skim over my tongue, thus adjusting me for the bigger sips I’ll take after these ones. Isn’t it odd we do that? Everything is a mad dash in this lifetime and I certainly get this trait from my mum. She can never start the day unless she has a cup of coffee, in fact, she is a grouchy cow without it, but soon perks up after. My dad is the exact opposite and will actually wait all morning until his coffee is cold before he drinks it, much to the disapproval of mum who looks at him with utter dismay at the thought of a fresh coffee left to go stale.

It’s 10:15A.M. so the metallic clatter I hear in the near distance doesn’t surprise me – it’s the letterbox. Let’s see what I have today.. “Hmm, Freya’s Fixing Service? No thanks” I say to myself; I throw that letter on the side – I always do that and it makes no sense why; I still have to open it and tear out my address before I bin it. A magazine from Avon – which reminds me, I must cancel that subscription – I don’t even remember signing up to it? Lastly, I pick up the Thanet Gazette and try to keep up to date with the where and tearabouts of this place. For a beautiful seaside town, it has its fair share of trouble, as does anywhere though, I have to tell myself. The trouble is reminiscent of the sea I suppose, one bad bunch come in, make their mess, grow up and leave again; before another generation forces their way in.

My only fear is that the waves are getting bigger and bigger as the years go on; unless I’m just becoming an 80-year old that tuts at everything. This is possible and is most certainly inherited from dad who thinks he’s a local police officer, a professional number plate checker. He’s secretly very proud of it, but we won’t say anything!

‘Backyard Burglar Breakthrough’ I begin to read the headlines and the small print that follows.

‘Ian Rifter, 59, has been the victim several times of a burglar that had made their way into his home, via a conservatory door that appears to be lock-picked. PC Simon Hall, a police officer of 14 years says he’s never seen a case so frequent and it’s finally time we found the suspect.

Following the last 3 phone calls – Mr Rifter was advised to change his old style conservatory door lock and install CCTV to capture any criminal activity. Both of which he claims he did.

A month later, Mr Rifter found himself the victim of what would be his last break-in – luckily, CCTV managed to capture the 24-year-old back with a lockpick for several minutes before he entered the family home – scanning, making a list and opening drawers that sat near the conservatory door.

The suspect has been identified as Kallum Frold, 24, who is local to the area. Charges are impending..’

I interrupt my reading “Kallum Frold.. why do I know that name?” I quiz myself whispering as I look around my kitchen as if the answer would appear on the wall. That name rang a bell in my head, but I can’t remember why. I’ll have to ask mum when I see her next. Also, he definitely didn’t change that lock!

It’s 11:20A.M. and a little bit of anxiety kicks in before I have to leave for work. I mean it’s not that I hate my job, it’s the drive I get worried for, but I know I’ll be fine.. I always am.

I walk upstairs to get changed for work, a forest green textured polo neck, with an embroidered badge just above the left side chest that read: ‘Farm Flower Nurseries’. Followed by the graphic of a badly drawn watering can, in the oddest shade of supposed ‘gold’. Next, I put on my skinny cargo trousers, they aren’t the most flattering things in the world, but they have 5 big pockets throughout – it’s always fun when it comes to washing day for these bad boys, as you can probably imagine! Finally, I slide on 2 pairs of cheap black socks followed by my pink work boots.

Oh if you didn’t guess already, I work at my local plant farm, not the type that grows veggies and fruits, although we do have a few fruit trees – we cater for garden and houseplants, something I am most fond of. Mum thinks it’s great, my boss lets me take any plants I can propagate for myself home for pennies! I remember bringing home a whole crate of purple lobelias last year, she got so excited!

My mum is one of those women that care what people think of her front garden. To make sure that the ornaments she buys from M&S – are always standing and never slouched. That the paving slabs that she paid a small fortune to be laid, are free from any overgrowth. God forbid she let a dandelion show its face. I think she’d have a nervous breakdown just at the thought. She’s well known in the garden centre where I work and is often told to put her garden in the competitions you see floating about. She gets a little shy, blushes at the voice of flattery; but deep down she revels in it. As she should, I’ve never seen a pair of hands so shredded from thorns and dry from her heavy labour.


Read chapter 2 here – Chapter 2

I’ll stop here, this was a nice morning write actually – what do you think? I know it’s not the best or professional, but if I read books, these are the kind of things I’d read about..

As I haven’t read much in my life ever! (I’m reading my first ever book right now actually) I don’t really know how it all works or have things to be ‘inspired’ by. Hence why I only write from the 1st person because I just make a character in my head then write and create their story and person as I go on.

Thanks for reading if you stuck around this long!

Kara xo

The Power of Petite!

Fashion and Beauty

Hello friends,

This post is about body awareness, realisation, it’s about the image we have of ourselves and it’s about how clothing makes all the difference.

Here’s something I’ve learnt the last few days.

I’ve learnt my waist size: 24/25 perhaps a 26 if I get bloated? My inside leg size: 28. I’m 5ft 1.

What does that say to you? Petite, right? Well this gal has been buying non petite clothes all her life, then feeling incredibly frustrated and deflated when she can’t find anything in the shop that fits her. Apart from H&M, I got a lot of time for H&M. But whilst they fit my waist, I’m still struggling with the legs!

It’s taken me 22 years to realise the power of the petite section.

I mean how I’ve completely blanked the idea of it is mind blowingly idiotic.. since I’ve been the same height since year 9, you’d think I’d know better, but apparently not.

One thing I will say about why I avoid stuff is that I’m a cheap CHEAP girl. My idea of going shopping is seeing what’s in the Primark sale or in charity shops – and I’m running out of patience with both.

SO.. I took to eBay and Depop – GAME CHANGER. Now yes, risky because you can’t try it on, but I barely try stuff on anyway because I hate shopping it’s stressful – there’s humans involved and we all know how I feel about that.

But, I have to say, I’ve had a great and fab time so far!

My first piece that arrived was a bargain of just £4 from eBay, Topshop Petite with the labels still on – was £20 new.. me likeyyy! It’s a striped wrap top, a new style for me too!!

I have to say, this has changed me forever. I put it on and immediately got excited, not only did it fit me perfect, the quality was nice and suddenly I had a lil amount of confidence to ooze out! Something I have felt, well.. never!

This the top! Size 6 Petite from Topshop.

From the humans in my life so far, I’ve had nothing but compliments when I wore it too! So that wasn’t the worst thing in the world!


The Shopping Experience

I recently took to Topshop after myself and Kiz got excited about the top in the picture, he decided I should go and try some jeans that will fit me well!

So we make it into Topshop. I made my way into the jeans section – immediately overwhelmed by the rows and rows of the same jeans in different colours, then a different jean with a variation of rips. OH not to mention every single pair is a different size!

But somehow I kind of liked it, it had a very unique feel to it, not like in Primark where everything is just one size.. the different waist and leg lengths made the whole thing more.. tailored.. duh!

I took in a pair of Jamie jeans – a pair of Orson? I think that was it, and a pair of Joni jeans. The Joni jeans were the ones I’d heard most people talk about – and I soon realised why!

I made my way to the changing rooms, a little anxious as anywhere but there was a group of girls gathered on the light pink cushioned bench that sat in the middle of the mirrored square room.

I pulled back the curtain and SOMEONE WAS IN THERE NAKED!!

Not really, I just wanted to wake you up a bit..

Why are changing room curtains so tall and heavy, I had to keep double checking that there were no gaps! I’m on my tippy toes trying to lug this massive bit of cloth across the doorway that protected my body from being exposed to the girls on the seats..

I can hear them giggling whilst I’m getting changed, EVERY part of me says omg they’re laughing at you (even though I knew they weren’t) but I held it together and tried on these fabulous custom fit jeans!

First the Jamie jeans – they were okay, they fit nice but they had hardly any stretch in them and they weren’t the comfiest..

Then the Orson (kind of a mom style straight leg number)- I got a waist 25 but they were massive so not sure what that was about?! So no.. not for me.

And then.. it’s was Joni’s turn..

I got nervous babes.. I’ve heard good things but they looked bloody skinny.. skinnier than I was. I knew that I didn’t look like the size 0.01 mannequin that rocked these either.

Anyway, I approached with confidence – I swear as soon as my leg started to go in they began to mould to me.. my foot went through the ankle hole (that was my worry) no problems!

And the waist?! Babes let me tell you something about these jeans.. as a size 4/6 with little curvature and no bottom, I found myself having shape.. they gave me hips – or at least brought them out a bit more!

Confidence level had risen again.. I was feeling myself for a hot minute but also sweaty because changing clothes is a workout and I was still aware I was in the middle of a shopping centre with a curtain blocking my exposure.

Long story short gals.. the hype and the admiration of the Joni jeans is one I am joining. Honestly, putting the jeans that I walked in there with, back on. Was the most hilariously disappointing experience ever!! I walked out to Kieran giggling at the material that fitted so poorly around my legs. “I need a pair of Joni jeans” I confirmed to Kieran, and got straight on eBay that night looking for a second hand pair.. (well I’m still a cheap girl, they were nice jeans but not enough for me to take out a loan)


Thus, here I am now.. sat in my bedroom on a Sunday writing this blog post, getting a little giddy at the fact that I’ll have more petite parcels coming through the door tomorrow morning.

I’ve never gone out so much to treat myself to a new wardrobe, I’m not a girl that buys a nice new top every time she goes out – I hate spending money. So it’s big deal for me to do this and it’s well needed!

I was a massive believer in just wearing anything, it doesn’t have to be good quality and a baggy t shirt will do.

My mind is changing, your clothing is a form of self care and says a lot about you and I won’t lie.. I ogle at clothes so far from what I’d consider budget friendly (like Topshop, Next, Zara) but if you can get a bargain, or love some second hand stuff – you can have clothes that fit you properly, are good quality and perhaps restore a confidence in you that you deserve to have.

I’m not saying your whole wardrobe should be good names.. mine certainly won’t be.. and I will still run to Primark sale racks and get excited. But perhaps I’ll be more mindful about the money I spend and make sure that the clothes I buy; are worth it and make me feel good.

This was a chatty one!

Thank you for reading friends,

Kara xo

ASMR – Yeah, I’m Going There!

Lifestyle

*Okay, I’m going to need you to be open-minded with this one. Hear me out.*

What the heck is ASMR Kara and are you okay hun?

By this point, you will probably have heard of this by now (I wrote this blog post last year, but I’m a professional and didn’t upload it hehaho!) or better yet, you’ve seen me farting about on IG Stories doing an ASMR series myself! (yeah, it’s not serious though but deep down, I would quite like to do the whole ASMR thing, its fun!)

No gals and guys, this is very real and for myself – a life changer. ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Yes, I did remember that off the top of my head and yes I am wearing a smirk. Sorry that I’m a scientist, you know?

From what I’ve seen and taken from it, over the years of watching – ASMRtists – (yes, that’s the term) make lots of different sounds, these sounds are called triggers. Stay with me. Now the triggers are supposed to be sounds that your individual person loves and in turn, experiences tingles in your head and spine! These are completely clean tingles, none of the funny stuff – I see you looking at the screen like that. Filth.

So what sounds become triggers? There are many, but I will just list the sounds that make me feel like it’s nap time. You’ll see a running theme here, childhood.

  • Tapping – Often nails on a surface or object, sometimes they sound like rain, sometimes the rhythm makes me sleepy. But mainly, I just enjoy the sound of nails tapping on things! I also think a big connection was my aunty who used to have talons, they would tap on everything – so it takes me back to being little.
  • Hair brushing – An ultimate fav and my favourite videos to watch. Takes me instantly back to my childhood of my mum brushing my hair! It made me sleepy then, it makes me sleepy now. For an extra bonus, there are hairdressing videos which include hair being cut, now that is a treat!
  • Rustling – Bags, paper, material. You know when your parents used to get the bags out and you knew it was shopping time. I’d watch them pack all of the bags and load them into the car. I sat in the back seat and all I could hear was rustling.
  • Writing – Finally, writing. There’s no specific link to childhood here. I just have a very weird thing for stationery and writing.

Now I personally do not get these ‘tingles’, but I do feel incredibly calm, sleepy and happy! – which is what I use it for. It takes me back to my childhood and has almost become my comfort blanket. I listen to it every night before bed without fail. If you’re an over-thinker and know that it’s going to be dangerous if you sit in a silent room. This may be for you.

I’m just gonna say it. I love it.

It’s not for everyone, I admit – some are put off just by the whispering alone. To be honest many of the artists out there don’t tickle my testicles either. But those that I have found, I love – and they take ASMR to what I would consider – a level of sound therapy.

There are many types of ASMR, some are weird and are on the what we call the ‘weird bit of YouTube’. I’m talking sexualised role plays, or role plays that are not in a typical calming context i.e. getting kidnapped?! Which I think, ruin the reputation of it personally. Unless you are into that no judgement.

Watch these ones I give you and you’ll be safe!

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1. WhispersRed ASMRTHE QUEEN. Emma was the first person I came across that didn’t weird me out. This was over 3 years ago now! She has a very motherly personality and is known for her signature red locks and perfect manicures! She is British and speaks with clarity. She is also a fantastic singer and will sometimes hum tunes to aid sleep – She’s actually Mary Poppins! If you watch anyone today – watch her. Cause she’s doing it right and always has. I just wish her videos were sometimes a little longer. Click here – for hair brushing! The video I have linked you too is one that I must’ve watched about 30 times. It’s one of my favourites! Out of all these lovelies, I’ve grown attached to her voice and if I’m really having negative thoughts, she’s the one I sit and listen to every spoken word!

 

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2. ASMRMagic – I have only subscribed to her last year. Very pleasantly surprised as I didn’t think anyone would come near Emma! She uses top quality microphones to pick up every sound! The length of her videos is amazing, most around an hour long and she covers every trigger you can think of! Click here – intense sounds and no talking!

 

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3. ASMRGlow – Not only is Sharon one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen, she’s the bee’s knees at makeup too! I am in love with her accent as it has a french twinge! Outside of ASMR, she streams on Twitch if that’s something else you love to watch! She plays lots of different characters and has a popular ‘Fixing You’ series in which you are some sort of human-robot thing like her! Here is one of my favourites from her! Click here – for role play and haircut!

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4. GibiASMR – Gibi is the last ASMRtist I’m sharing today, I discovered her around the same time as Glow. Again she is a twitch streamer but comes up with creative videos – she recently did a Harry Potter series if you’re a fan?! I keep putting this video on but if I’m honest I don’t know what happens all the way through cause I’m already asleep so it must be a good soothing one! Click here – for having a new face applied! (It doesn’t hurt promise!)

They are the only 4 I fully trust and watch regularly. However, I have listened to ASMRDarling, GentleWhispering ASMR, FredsVoice ASMR too and they are all very good!

If you know any others you love, please share them with me, I’m always looking for more people to listen to!

If you click on the links be sure to wear headphones! You get the best results then, but they are equally as relaxing without! I also don’t have my volume all the way up when watching these videos, just under halfway. It depends on how sensitive you are I suppose!

Watch one and give it a chance, you might be a lucky one who gets tingles!

Thank you for reading and visiting today, come back soon!

Sleep well friends!

Kara xo

I do not own any of these photos.

Bilou Product Review!

Fashion and Beauty

Welcome back cherubs, hope you are doing so wonderfully!

I have not been asked to advertise any of these products btw, I just want to share them because I’ve never used formulas like these before!

I received a jolly exciting email from a new company I had never heard of before asking if I would like to try their new products that are launching in Superdrug UK! All vegan, all cruelty-free! Gals, you know I squealed and said yes.. cut to a few days later the most beautiful PR package I’ve had so far arrived at my house!

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A little handwritten note, that’s doubled straight as a new positive quote on my positive quote board. A booklet that had all the product and brand information inside and then of course.. the goodies! Eeeeeek.. (all in colour corresponding tissue paper to the product’s scent may I just add! Nice touch Bilou!)

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Told you! How cute!

Inside were 3 products all from their different ranges, I received a Foam Lotion from the Cotton Candy scent! A 2in1 bodyspray from the Coco Cocktail scent aaaand a Creamy Shower Foam from the Pink Melon scent!

So, of course, I immediately sprayed the body spray all on my arms, cause I love me a bodyspray oooooo yeaaah. I noticed it felt quite grippy almost when I rubbed my arms together and thought it was a bit odd. ANYWAY, had a look at the packaging and used the old eyeballs to have a read and what dya know? IT CAN DOUBLE AS A DEODORANT. The game changed and it was then sprayed into the pits I don’t mess about.

It’s good you know? It actually worked… Of all the products I think this is the one I’m most excited about! I LOVE A 2 IN 1. The scent lasted all day too, I walked down to show dad the products and he was like, why can I smell coconut? It was me, there I was, smelling of coconut. Glorious.

OKIE DOKES.. what’s next!

OH, the foaming lotion… I have never in my life ever used a moisturiser mousse thing that you spray out of a can, I felt like it was supposed to go in my hair.

Anyway didn’t take long for the scent of cotton candy to find its way into my massive nostrils and once again my eyes lit up. (I’m very easily impressed, you know how I feel about smells – they change my mood instantly). It’s made with almond oil, shea butter and avocado oil so you know it’s packing goodness. It soaks into the skin in literally seconds and doesn’t leave a greasy residue, I’m actually very impressed and I will be using this as my main moisturiser now!

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Last but not least is the Creamy Shower Foam – I think this is my least favourite product purely because I found that the scent was very very strong and the smell of melon was more on the fresh, sickly sweet smell rather than the subtle sweet smell, ya know? I used it to shave my legs with and it worked quite well actually! But again, you have to be quick because the foam soon soaks in – again this was a moisturising body wash so that’s a good thing, it didn’t bubble up and I find that lathery soaps tend to be quite drying, so it was a nice change!

Final thoughts?!

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All in all.. these are bloody fab and I recommend them, they’d be adorable to receive as a gift! OH not to mention that they have some of the CUTEST packaging I’ve ever seen! The branding is beautiful as was the package I received – I’m incredibly grateful so thank you Bilou! I’m all for trying new products and it’s wonderful to see another cruelty free and vegan brand emerging! You can find them here – Bilou

Thank you for reading friends!

Kara xo

Acne: The Fix – The Consultation (Part 1)

Lifestyle

Hello friends.. well, flip.

What do you know, I received a phone call on the 1st of August for a last minute appointment with the dermatologist. This was it. I finally see a specialist about my ruined skin.

The outcome was a fairly serious one so I wanted to make sure I blogged it all, this may help anyone going through the process or who are thinking about going through a medical route.

I’m one of those people who can say they’ve tried just about everything to get their skin looking somewhat normal, but for me, the problem has always been on the inside out.. not the outside in.

This is a sunburn on my nose from the last acne treatment that didn’t work! This was Doxycycline.

By that I mean yes I have acne on my face, but it doesn’t matter how many treatments I apply to my skin, why am I still waking up with more?.. cause they stem from inside my body, nobody walked over and placed a lump of pus under my skin at night did they? It grew, like a mini demon.

So what happened?

It took me 3 doctors visits, 3 different types of oral medication and topical and 3 failed attempts at clearing my skin. Alongside all the treatments and creams that weren’t over the counter! At this point, the doctor said he will refer me to a dermatologist (my eyes lit up) because it’s been years and we’ve tried the routes we can.

Voila, I find myself sitting in the hospital a month and a half later praying this gets sorted.

I’ve been on the contraceptive pill and the mini pill. Both didn’t touch me. However, I will say that if you’re going on Isotretinoin then you HAVE to be on some form of contraception and it cannot be the mini pill as that’s bad for skin apparently! (according to my derma)

See you can see all the lumps that aren’t even red, it’s everywhere!

The dermatology appointment.

I sat down, she introduced herself — I said hello I’m Kara please can you fix me and she said ahh.. very firmly and abruptly.. she put sanitiser on her hands and then began to explore my face and straight away was confirming what she’d already read prior to the physical meeting.

Lots of ‘oh yes you’ve got lots of comedones and pustules there, oh bless you.. okay hmm alright..’ then she retracted away from my face, sanitised once more.. took and breath and said OK. What have you been using so far?

This was my moment, I took a bag with me babes, I filled it with EVERY product that wasn’t in the bin that I had used to tackle these skin demons.. her face dropped, she wasn’t happy. ‘You need to stop using these right now, they’re full of oils, and then they strip your skin and make it dry, you need to stop using these right now”. Told you she didn’t mess about! ALL the products I’ve been using are your standard ‘WE HELP YOUR ACNE BUY US!‘ ones, you know the ones.

I knew she was right, although some products take the redness down, many preach about drying out the spot to kill it. Well if my infection is deep-rooted, putting products on with a drop of salicylic acid in, won’t do jack.. and they didn’t surprise surprise else I wouldn’t be in this mess.

After this she told me she was going to put me on Isotretinoin, I said okay is that Roaccutane? And she said “it’s a cheaper form of it, we don’t do Roaccutane because it’s expensive and we can’t afford it”.. so fair enough really.

However, in the pamphlet I was given it says it was formerly known as Roaccutane so it’s up there with the big dog. And if you type Isotretinoin in google, it comes up with Roaccutane so I’m assuming it’s the same thing under a different name.. I have no idea I’m not a doctor.. all I know is, is that its heavy stuff. JEEZ, THAT WAS A RAMBLE!

Now, she asked if I had depression – I did but I don’t feel I have it anymore so I explained that and she said that a there’s been a few cases of suicide so if I feel any depressing thoughts, come off it straight away and talk to someone – I said yep that’s fine, she said most people are happy anyway because their skin clears up. I agreed.

Then, I had some things of my own to do. I have to have a pregnancy test every month whilst I’m taking the medication AND I had to sign a form saying I will take contraception and that I understand the birth defects that the baby will face should I get pregnant blah blah.. basically don’t get pregnant it’s dangerous and you HAVE to use contraception. That’s fine. All is well. Good.

After downing 8 buckets of water and jumping about in the toilet I managed to get a urine sample for them to test… I was not informed I would have to do this you see else a gal would’ve been more prepared! So if you see a derma, probably best to drink before you go!

Before I left she told me some skin products that are safe to use. I don’t know how many of the brands are vegan which sucks absolute dog bobbings so I’ll have to do some research. (None of them are, so if anyone knows any non-comedogenic and oil-free vegan makeup and skin products, please let me know!)

FOR ANY VEGANS –

I just want to say, no. This treatment is not vegan, I’m aware of that. However, my mental health has been affected by my skin for years and you’d probably be the same. So before anyone starts complaining and slating me – I don’t feel the best person going through this treatment but I’m putting my own body under stress for this too with all the potential side effects.

The treatment is temporary (hopefully) – unfortunately my lack of body positivity and confidence issues have been permanent for over 3 years. It means a lot to me to do this for myself. Okay that is all.

Then she took my photo for mine and her record, which came out vile, she had a good camera and it didn’t miss a lump, it was beautiful!

Now I need to have a blood test and collect the drugs from the pharmacy when all my tests come back fine, then I can begin the treatment.

So there isn’t much to report on so far, this was just the first meeting and I’m sure they’ll be a few more to check how I am doing. I’ll post some photos of what I’m like now and HOPEFULLY throughout the treatment we can see improvements! 🤞🏻

I don’t actually feel nervous to post this because if I can get treated for it, then I know it’s just a phase in my life! IF it works!

The dermatologist was lovely and was confident in this drug so I’m quite confident I’ll get somewhere with it! It’s the last resort really!

Okay here are photos of me now – the first lot of photos!

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As you can see, lots of blackheads, lumps and bumps, scarring and basically everything you don’t want on your face.. is on my face! HOW GLORIOUS. Baring in mind, I wash my face twice a day, exfoliate every 3 or so days. Apply numerous treatments and prescribed creams. NOTHING IS WORKING. *my eye is twitching*

So join me for the next few months or however long it takes for this spot fest to disappear! I’m so over it now! UGH.

Thank you for reading friends,

Kara xo

My future job.. *gulp*

Lifestyle

Welcome back cherubs..

Now it’s a debatable subject this job malarkey.. and I have to say I do not enjoy the whole ‘work hard, play hard’ phrase that people love to throw about because I 100% cannot relate.

In all honesty, I’m terrified to get back into work because I fear I will not be able to cope like last time. In fairness yes, I didn’t choose the easiest job in the world but it was a very rewarding one (sometimes).

Whilst I worked hard in this job. I certainly didn’t play hard. Because the job took over all of my emotions and energy and I invested basically all of myself into it. Even when I went part time, I would still wake up with dread and when I got home a few hours later, the day would be playing on my mind – especially if I felt like I had a achieved nothing. It’s a horrible feeling.

I’m currently at uni and I’m thankful that I don’t have to work at this point and I am fully accepting this moment in my life, I finally feel happier.

I won’t say I’m happy because a part of me does want to invest in something more, however I’m a lot calmer now than I was a year ago. And I’m putting that down to my unemployed status. However I am fully aware that this time is limited and the thought of the future is a growing dark shadow.

I think that there is a job out there for everyone, and perhaps the one I chose to follow just wasn’t for me, it was my first job so I haven’t exactly explored working life, but it’s put me off big time. In an environment like the one I worked in (a school) there is no set routine to some extent. I mean sure, I know I can go to work and I know how the morning SHOULD go, but children are not the most reliable and things can go wrong very quickly. I think that this is what I struggled with.

I like routine, I want to know what I’m doing, why and where. My job never secured that, you had to be extremely quick on your feet and brain and improvise everyday, whilst it was good experience and I’ve learnt a lot! It was draining me without me realising until I got bad.

Maybe I should try an office job in a calmer environment – but then my fear is I will get bored. If I carry on being the anxious soul I am – which to be fair has always been the case, then maybe fast paced jobs with a different day everyday will not work not matter how much I try.

I’m not saying that there’s really easy jobs out there. But there are jobs with repetition, reliability and still creative – which is something I would really need if I’m being honest with myself. That being said, they would still have to be a little bit different each day else I’d get bored surely?

So with that in mind, there are a few jobs that have caught my eye – these will probably change in a few months as I cannot decide ever!

Florist: this is something that I don’t know if I could do but I actually love the idea of it. The shop wouldn’t always be busy: perfect. I’d always be on the move yet in a contained environment: good. I’d learn a new craft and horticulture: perfect, I’m a sucker for learning new things! It’s creative: perfect.

However there are cons to it, they’re often very early starts and a lot of heavy lifting is involved which I can’t do because of my hip – that would really annoy me if that got in the way actually so that’s sad. It’s not the highest paid job out there (but I’ve always said I’d rather be happy and poor). Oh and the slight issue of me having hay fever.. yeah that’s quite a big one, but nothing antihistamines can’t fix! I might actually look into this a bit more and see if I can get working somewhere like this?

Interior designer: I would honestly absolutely LOVE this job, it’s been on my job list for years and years now. Moodboards, colour schemes, textures, prints, fabrics, arrangements, themes. Everything is just a massive yes and I get jolly excited when I’m planning a new room. Although I haven’t looked much into the actual job side, I know that it’s VERY competitive these days and courses cost a lot of money, as with floristry.

The cons are though that it’s not always a source of income, depends if you get clients or not – if I go independent then I have to deal with taxes and money and as someone who is 99% sure they have dyscalculia – it won’t end well.

Estate Agent: this one is purely out of curiosity and my love for houses, architecture and interior design, actually when I was looking at houses with my mum I visited lots of estate agents and I quite enjoyed the process. I’m always watching house programmes on the TV, it’s about the only day time TV I will watch!

I was explaining features of the houses to mum and the estate agent let me get on with it and asked if I’d like to sit in his chair because I took the words out of his mouth and I seem to know all about the property already.

I’m not a people person but I can switch on that fake charm easily, you know the overly charming and smiley one estate agents have? To be fair most clients are excited anyway so you can be excited with them! If I’m honest I’d probably get too excited myself and start listing all the things I’d do to the property.. so maybe not.

The only con that’s really putting me off is that you have to drive to all the houses. I hate driving it terrifies me. I’m so sad about that because I actually think I’d be okay at the job! Plus I’d learn loads.. maybe if I get over the driving thing I can look into it.

Social Media Manager: goes without saying really doesn’t it, campaigns, photography, editing – product shots, engaging texts and promotions. I would love to be in charge of a brands Instagram page as a job could you imagine! I do with mine every day anyway! However that’s a pressure job so I wonder if I could deal with all the deadlines flying at me!

Writer: completely unrealistic for me in terms of a career, I wouldn’t have the motivation and I cannot force creative thoughts it would be rubbish, this one is just a hobby but what an amazing career it would be! To be a children’s author has been on my list for ages too. Again, not reliable and takes years and years of pushback and rejection, that’s even if you end up getting published.

If all fails I would love to keep this blog and work in a little independent cafe somewhere with a few regular customers as a source of income.

It’s out of the question that I can do a job without creativity. I need that else I get very down in the dumps and pent up energy, I find myself wandering about the house feeling very frustrated because I have no projects to put it into.

Who knows what will happen to me.. I like to think that I could get to where I want with hard work (I’m naturally a try hard so it’s built into me that I push myself which is probably part of the problem too)

Anybody else had this dilemma because I honestly feel sick thinking about securing a future. My goal is own a house and I need money for that but at the same time I value mental health massively and if it means that I don’t earn as much doing something I love, then I will have to forfeit that dream which I don’t think I can do.

Just realised none of those link to the degree I’m doing whatsoever *eh heh help*

Thanks for reading friends!

Kara xo

Acne: How I Cope, Honestly.

Fashion and Beauty, Lifestyle

Now before I start this ‘beauty’ side of things and pretend I’m all perfect (but I’ve really just put a JCB load of foundation on AND put blemish remover on my pics) I want to get one thing very clear.. MY. SKIN. HATES ME. That’s the first time I’ve said it online (apart from insta this year) and you probably wouldn’t have guessed from my photos unless you see me in person.. you’re well and truly catfished (sorry).

For a number of years, I’ve struggled with highly sought afteracne.

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This picture is the reason it’s taken me so long to post! Very self conscious indeed! Taken in 2015.

This was me at my absolute worst about 3 years ago, and at the time I didn’t realise how bad it was – it’s only looking back that I could see how bad it was (this still isn’t as bad as some cases) – this was also the photo I showed the doctors who put me on the medication.

I’ve been on numerous types of medication, creams, treatments and antibiotics – and some did actually work, yes! But I was taken off them because I wasn’t having regular blood tests and they can kill my kidneys. Apparently – that’s bad?

Sometimes people look at me in confusion, almost as if they’re wondering why you don’t wash your face or put spot cream on? Have they not seen the adverts? (Like Clearasil solves everything! *extreme levels of sarcasm*) Oh, they need that product I saw on QVC, that’ll fix them. – *my eyes have rolled away*

SO.. here we are now, no medication, just skin products and good old soap and water.

How am I fairing? Not that great to be frank.

I find that I get infections on my face much more quickly now – I won’t lie if something is on my face and is causing me pain.. I will gauge the absolute manure out of it. #instantregrets but I’d rather a red lump than a throbbing pressure thanks.

It’s also something I do if I’m bored or anxious. I used to pull out my eyebrows and eyelashes though so I mean, neither is brilliant?

Thus I am left with splotches, pigmentation issues, dry flaky patches and ‘scabs’; I can’t stand the word scabs it sends shivers down my spine bleugh!

So? Cover them up – it’s what concealer is for.. duh?!

NOPE – you can’t… well I mean you could. There’s just something about concealer sitting in cracks of injured skin that just doesn’t give off that naturally flawless vibe we all want, you know?

To be honest, I have just accepted that I have acne, and I probably always will (unless I’m willing to sacrifice my kidneys). I have EXTREMELY oily skin! No seriously, blotting paper? Suck a toe. I’ll finish 4 on my forehead before I can move on. I have to have a tissue unless you actually want to fry an egg on my face.. no worries! After about an hour, I’ll be shining brighter than diamonds yet again.

It’s mainly on my face now, I used to have it really bad on my shoulders (still do sometimes!)– the most self-conscious time in my life let me tell you, wouldn’t ever get my shoulders out! #deadsummer

I’m like a cheetah! My spots make me who I am! No that’s not what I meant.. point is, I know that acne is just part of me now and if people don’t like it, they can look away.

Yes, I am aware I have red spots all over my face, no, it’s not red pen, I don’t have the chicken pox (yes I’ve been asked these several times, really) – I am self-conscious of it, obviously. I only take selfies on my good days! Even then they have an extravagant filter over them.

Maybe in time, I’ll learn to love my skin the way it is. I don’t half get jealous when someone with tiny pores and zero texture comes my way though! As in my sister!!

You’re not alone if you have acne, it’s common and most people will get it at some point during there lives. I haven’t figured out why I have mine yet – I’ll let you know if I do!

I’ve cut out dairy, cut down on caffeine, wash my face twice a day and keep my skin moisturised. I don’t drink enough water though and I must stop touching my face.

My acne is very rarely ‘white heads’ and surface marks too. These days I suffer from a lot of cystic acne, I can have a spot that will grow in 10 mins and then go down again by the end of the day. I can have one that will be there for a week until it comes to the surface. They’re painful and if they’re in certain places, you can’t pull facial expressions without getting a twinge.

I didn’t suffer with acne as a teen and it all started when I left school and went to work – I’m well aware that stress could be a causer here. (I actually think it is the main cause looking back if that’s even possible!)

Good luck with all your skincare journeys if you’re on one! I’ll be posting more on products soon! This was just the introduction to let you know that, I’m gonna be keeping it real around here and that there is no point running from flaws.

Thanks for reading!

Kara xo

Scruffy

Lifestyle

I haven’t posted in a while, but I need to write – so let me have this space for a minute.

Yesterday evening I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life as of yet.

We made the choice to euthanise our little old man Scruffy after he had broken his leg and was too old and fragile to retain any treatment. No one prepares you for this, I felt sick to my stomach but remained strong for him.. because he was the bravest little thing I’d seen for a long time.

I first met Scruff when I was around 4/5, and he has been in my life since, right up to his 18th birthday, which would be the day he would peacefully pass.

I don’t remember to many childhood memories, but I remember Scruff, the good times and a few scares we had with him.. oddly we rescued him with a broken leg and his owner wanted to put him down when he was just a pup, we took him in and got him all fixed up – from there he became a fully fledged Davies and he was welcomed with open arms! We were so excited we had a pet dog!!

Scruff (I called him Puff, Puffy) was motivated daily by his love for food, but the most famous of his cravings was his desire for cheese. Whenever it was around, so was Scruff, he was certainly a little character!

I’ve met a few dogs in my lifetime, some we trialled as a companion for him, and some I’ve seen in other households – I’ve never seen a dog as gentlemanly as Scruff and even at the vets and on the way there in the car, despite his broke leg, he kept putting his paw up asking for the treats I was carrying with me! He was a gentlemen ’til the day he died.

I always described Scruff as the Duke of Edinburgh, I have no idea why, I don’t even know anything about it but for some reason I feel like he would’ve had a mild, posh Scottish accent if that’s even a thing and there was something about the title that fitted him. He didn’t move all day, and if you threw a ball he’d look at you wondering what the hell you’re doing and asking where’s the food then? Right from the day we got him, he’d never held a ball in his mouth!

Even though he had this cheeky greedy side, he was the most gentle creature I’ve ever seen, when new people would ask if he’s friendly we have to laugh every time because he wouldn’t hurt anything on purpose! He didn’t have a bad bone in his body!

Yesterday was his 18th birthday and by this point yes, he had a fair share of health issues, as to be expected by a man of his age! I didn’t expect his body to be so fragile, part of me feels guilty, but the day before he was running about with excitement and wagging his tail for cheese. I guess you never know when time is up.

I made the choice to stay with him whilst he fell to his forever sleep alongside my dad, I held his head, and stroked his ears, and kissed him on the head as he passed. After I hugged his body and wept. It was quicker than I expected and over before I realised, he didn’t wimper at all through any of the process he was so brave but he wasn’t in pain anymore, he was calm. No one can prepare you for this. He was laid just like he did when he took his grandad naps on the sofa.

The only thing I could say that wasn’t to Scruff was ‘this is rubbish’ through my tears.

On the way home I was filled with sadness to the point I was almost numb, I couldn’t believe we’ve just had to put our man down and noticed all the bumps on the road on the way home, occasionally wiping the tears that rolled cold on my neck.

Scruffy was a true Davies, he always will be and I am forever grateful he was there to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to, the way he pottered around the house, and sat in his favourite spots in the garden.

I know I can say on behalf of my family that you are so loved and will never be forgotten.. you were supposed to have your hair cut today, a proper grooming session – but I suppose we got you as a scruffy dog, and true to your name, you left just as scruffy, you always were a little stubborn! It was just your time.

Fly high old man, order yourself a cheese buffet and get munching even though you had a belly full of treats when you went, you deserve the whole world!

I’m absolutely heartbroken, I hope you knew that we all loved you, we really truly did.

This was Scruffy on his 18th birthday, on the way to the vets, just before he passed.

Kara xo

5 Things: To Do To Know Your Limits

Lifestyle

Welcome back cherubs!

I have a serious one today, I know I know.. BUT it means a lot to me that I get this out there! This is for everyone whether you think you’re fine or not and this will make sense why in a moment!

SO, Know your Limits.

What’s a limit first of all?

A limit is a point in which something stops, it cannot continue, it’s a cup of tea filled to the brim and you have to either tip or sip in order to make it up the stairs! (My definition of limit btw, surprisingly, I didn’t pull that from the dictionary).

Now humans are not wired quite the same as one another. Our brains are different by nature and nurture – the people around us, our environment, our era, genetics and so on – everything impacts on who you become!

So when I say know YOUR limit, I mean just that! It won’t be the same as mine and it won’t be the same as Brenda’s from next door bless her heart.

With that in mind people’s stress levels are different and as humans, we experience lots of different emotions every day.


These 5 steps help to realise how you’re feeling, why and what you can do about it. I also share my own story at the end if you really want to stick around! It’s why it’s important I get this out there for others to see!

1. Evaluate yourself

Take a step back and look at your health and situation. Would you say you look happy.. stressed? Look in the mirror and reflect (pun 100% intended, wow your welcome) How are you today? Why do you feel that way? Pretend to be a posh therapist and dig at yourself! You need answers, be honest and get it off your chest!

Admitting that something is a bit off is the first step to getting back on track!

2. Take time off (when needed)

When I was working; even if I felt really ill, I would go to work anyway out of guilt, the number of times my dad and partner told me to rest! Cor blimey! Even friends at work were telling me to go home occasionally but I pressured myself into thinking I had to go because I don’t like letting people down. Clearly, when you’re ill you need to rest. I let things pile up. Don’t do that, let yourself rest if you really need it!

3. Keep a diary

The tone of your voice says everything about the way you feel. Write how you feel in the moment and go back to look at your week – are all your weeks the same Negative Norman and Sad Susan? Then you need to do something about it! Get Positive Pat back!

4. Sooner than later

You need to realise your well-being early (if you can) otherwise you end up stuck in a rut. It’s hard to get out and you almost feel guilty that you feel so down and everyone else is having a good time not really understanding your stress. Sometimes the people around you may notice a change in you before you notice it yourself. It really can be that subtle.

5. Talk to someone

When I knew I wasn’t right I asked the people around me how I was – my family and partner told me the same thing they had been telling me for months. ‘I wasn’t happy’ but I just couldn’t accept it.. I finally realised that it was so obvious I wasn’t happy and that my mental health was now being stretched too far. Even when I did realise it took me a while to step up and do something about it! Talk to a relative, a friend and if you are really concerned; a doctor!


Why I made this post!

I had a major panic attack as a result of me leaving things too late, ended up on medication and getting signed off work. I was petrified because it was so not me! I’m normally a happy bubbly person and I let myself turn to a miserable git who was actually really broken.

I woke up in the middle of the night; the morning I started work again with what I thought, was genuinely a heart attack. I’ve never been so scared in my life! No one was awake and I couldn’t breathe deep enough to make a sound so nobody could hear me. I had to position myself so I was comfortable enough so that it didn’t hurt as bad and I could take bigger breaths! I was crying but had to stop because I couldn’t take the deep breaths in you do when you cry!! I sat for a good 45 minutes without moving trying to calm myself. Before eventually waking my dad up with a whimpered cry!

It was that day I finally did something about it, mainly because my dad was debating whether to get me to A and E. I rang the doctors and got help and there she said I had suffered a panic attack and I poured my heart out to this poor doctor! Honestly surprised she didn’t drown in my tears.

Don’t leave it late like I did. If you sense that you’re slipping away from who you normally are, do these steps! Know your limits. Turns out my stress limit isn’t big at all, I get stressed very easily! Maybe too easily actually! I’ll be writing a post on the 5 ways I take care of myself soon so that you can see my next part of the little journey I had!

It’s so important to put number 1 first! (which is you btw, not work or anyone else!)

Thank you for reading! Speak soon!

Kara xo